Sara sat on the toilet lid alone in the bathroom tapping her foot impatiently and looking at her watch every five seconds. She knew that she’d drive herself crazy just sitting there, but it was all she could do while she waited. She had lost track of how many times she had been here, how many times she had thought she had a feeling that this was it, that today was the day. For two years, she had ridden this roller coaster of wondering, of hoping, of praying that this would be it. Her heart yearned for it so much, that she felt like she was shattering inside as each month of nothing passed.
She looked at her watch again and saw the seconds’ hand click past the twelve and now sat frozen, all the what ifs racing through her head. What if it wasn’t? What if this was another month of “no”? What if she had to feel her heart plummet again, with the disappoint of her yearning kept from her again? What if it was this time, but she couldn’t keep it? What if she lost it again like last time? What if she just looked at the damn thing and stopped asking what ifs? She stood up and went to the bathroom counter and picked up the blue and white stick. Staring in disbelief, her hands started to shake and tears came to her eyes.
There in the little window was the plus sign she had been hoping and praying to see, hoping and praying would be there. The months and months of trying, the months and months of hoping they’d be able to have a child. She wanted to be happy to be overjoyed, but fear also gripped her. In the same elated state, she also felt the fear of losing this one, too.
She wiped her eyes and looked in the mirror, saying aloud, “I’m going to have a baby.” She said it again a little louder and let herself feel the joy of what those words meant.
It was Saturday and Michael had been called in to work, so it was just her home alone, filled with excitement and joy and bursting to tell him the news. She held the stick in her hand as she left the bathroom, not quite knowing what she was going to do with it yet, still staring at it multiple times in excited disbelief. Walking out to the living room and wondering what she would do next, she jumped in surprise to see Michael sitting there at the dining table wringing his hands.
He looked up at her nervously as he stood up.
“Why are you home? I thought you had to work,” Sara asked confused, though fighting to hide the smile that was itching its way across her face.
“Well?” he asked, avoiding her question.
“Well….” She said confused at first, then her hand flew to her face and covered her mouth. “You knew. How did you know?”
“Because, I know what this week is supposed to be.” He said, coming up to her and folding her up into his arms and looking down into her eyes. “I want to know, too. And I’m also worried. And I’m scared, too. I want this just as much as you, love. And I didn’t want you to face this alone. Every month, I watch you lose a piece of yourself and it breaks my heart. And I know I can’t fix it, but I wanted to be here to catch you. To hold you, to share in whatever this outcome is. I am your husband and your other half, and through every dip and valley in this journey, I am here.”
Sara felt the tears spilling over at his words, words he didn’t normally know how to articulate, but in this moment the words came easily, the ones that weighed on his heart, the same shared feelings poured out. He had been her rock through it all, her constant support, bringing her back from the deep pain that threatened to carve her apart, giving her hope when she had lost it all herself. He was always there for every moment, every heartache, and now, she stood in front of him, ever so happy to give this back to him, to share this long awaited joy with him.
She stood on her toes and kissed him softly and whispered against his lips, “Yes. It’s a yes. It’s positive.”
He leaned back, disbelief on his face, and looked at her as she held the stick up, showing him the little plus sign. He had the same shocked look and joyous surprise on his face. Whisking her up into his arms and spinning her around, he kissed her again, longer.
He set her down and looked into her eyes, “Sara, we’re going to have a baby.”
“A baby, oh Michael, should I, should we even be getting excited yet? I mean, so many things can happen between now and then.” Her heart still hurt over losing their last baby when they were four months along and the continued heartbreak from then on, the hoping for another, the waiting, the month after month disappointment, the losses over the last two years.
“I know you are scared, love. So am I.”
“I don’t want to lose this one, too, Michael. I can’t bear to…” she didn’t finish her sentence as she lowered her head, but he put his hand under her chin and tilted her face gently back up to him, kissing her forehead.
“I know, I know. But we will take this one day at a time.”
And one day at a time they did, one day at a time until nine months later they were holding their little baby girl in their arms, their little Olivia Mae.
As little Olivia Mae slept peacefully in her mother’s arms, Sara looked up at her Michael, who sat next to them, arm around her, “She’s ours. She’s really ours and she’s here. Michael, she’s here, our little baby girl.”
Michael kissed his wife’s forehead and then their daughter’s, cradling her small precious head in his hand.
“Hello, my Little Princess, my Olivia Mae, oh how long we have waited for you, hoped and prayed for you, our darling girl. Welcome to the world, precious one.”
Picture Sources Unknown
Song: Gavin DeGraw – You Got Me